Trivia Page
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Military Working Dog Teams: Detects snake from 100 yards away, calls in EOD, who disarms snake and uses remote controlled robot to blast the shit out of snake.
16. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is backordered.)
17. Transport pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.
18. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.
19. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
20. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.
21. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
22. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
23. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.
24. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
25. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
********************************************
VALE 'JACK TAR'
The traditional male sailor was not defined by his looks.
He was defined by his attitude.
His name was Jack Tar.
He was a happy go lucky sort of bloke.
He took the good times with the bad.
He didn't cry victimisation, bastardisation, discrimination, or for
his mum when things didn't go his way.
He took responsibility for his own, sometimes self destructive, actions.
He loved a laugh. At anything or anybody.
Rank, gender, race, Creed or behaviour, it didn't matter to Jack, he would
take the piss out of anyone, including himself. If someone took it out of
him he didn't get offended. It was a natural part of life.
If he offended someone else, so be it.
Free from many of the mores of polite society, Jack's language and manners
were somewhat rough. His ability to swear is legendary.
He would stand up for his mates. Jack was extravagant with his
support for those he thought needed it.
He may have been either right or wrong but that didn't matter.
Jack's mate was one of the luckiest people alive.
Jack loved women. He loved to chase them to the ends of the earth.
Sometimes he even caught one, less often than he would
have you believe though.
His tales of the chase and its conclusion, win or lose, is the stuff of legends.
Jack's favourite was beer. He could drink like a fish.
His actions when inebriated would, on occasion, land him in trouble.
He took it on the chin, did his "chooks" and then went and did it all again.
Jack loved his job. He took an immense pride in what he did. His RADAR was
always the best in the fleet. His engines always worked better than
everyone else's. His eyes could spot a contact before anyone else's, and
shoot it first. It was a matter of personal pride.
Jack was the consummate professional when he was at work and sober.
He was a bit like a mischievous child. He had a gleam in his eye
and a larger than life outlook. He was as rough as guts.
You had to be pig headed and thick skinned to survive.
He worked hard and played hard.
His masters tut tutted at some of his more exuberant expressions of joie de vivre.
The occasional bout of "chooks" let him know where the limits were.
The late 20th century has seen the demise of Jack.
The workplace no longer echoes with ribald comment and bawdy tales.
Someone is sure to take offence.
Warries, those stories of derring-do and ingenuity in the face of
adversity, usually whilst pissed, lack the audacity of the past. A wicked
sense of humour is now a liability, rather than a necessity.
Jack has been socially engineered out of existence.
What was once normal is now offensive.
Denting someone's over inflated opinion of his or her own worth is now a crime.
And so a culture dies.
Vale Jack Tar.
********************
An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK. But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house, whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the Playboy Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Sailor!"
*******************************
As reported, some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the Deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another Deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.
SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.
Asked why they shot him 68 times; Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the 'Orlando Sentinel',
"That's all the bullets we had."
******************************************
Last night, some of my Shipmates and I went to a Gentleman's Club.
A bunch of officers were there as well.
A Lieutenant there wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a $10 bill. When the dancer came over to us, the Lieutenant licked the $10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, a Commander pulls out a $20 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, the Captain pulls out a $50 bill and calls the girl over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately he just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks, again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the girl gyrates over to me.
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl's egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
Then the matelot in me took over.
I got out my Visa card, swiped it down the crack of her butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went to the bar.
[Ah, is it any wonder why we take pride in being among those who can make claim to being a Matelot (sailor).]
_________________________________
A little Nostalgia.
RAN weekly pay scales - 1965.
___________________________________
From the days before 'political correctness'
_________________________
The Clearance Diver
As seen by the Department of Defence:
An overpaid, over-rated, insufferable tax burden who is indispensable because he has volunteered to go anywhere and do anything at any time, as long as he can drink booze, brawl, steal Jeeps, corrupt women, lie, and wear a Droz Diving watch and a K-Bar (US Navy special forces knife).
As seen by his Commanding Officer:
An fine up-standing specimen of an honest, fun loving, athletic, provident, woman appreciating, and improvising individual who is completely misunderstood by the shore patrol and military police, the Navy Department and his wife. He has however signed a temporary loan book for a Droz Diving watch and a K-Bar.
As seen by his shipmates:
A whining, moaning, complaining, overpaid excuse for a sailor who works less often than his Droz diving watch and is about as witty and sharp as the handle of his K-Bar.
As seen by the Shore Patrol and Military Police:
A drunken, brawling, jeep stealing, woman corrupting liar, who wears a Droz Diving watch and a K-Bar.
As seen by his wife:
A little known, hung over member of the family who comes home once every six months with a rucksack full of dirty washing and a hard on wearing a rusty K-Bar and is never on time because he has pawned his Droz Diving watch.
As seen by himself:
A tall, handsome, highly trained, deep diving, parachute driving, double crimping bomb disposal expert and professional man killer who is a world renowned bare knuckle fighter, lover, and last of the ballroom dancers, easily identified by his exquisitely designed, extremely accurate Droz Diving watch and keenly honed K-Bar.
resurrected from the past by Larry Digney.
An sample of Pat (Zeke) Zegenhagen's humour and artistic talent.
(no reflection on 'new breed' intended)
**see more of Zeke's artwork in 'CDT3 Vietnam' - Photo Albums
********************************************
Naval Slang
By no means an exhaustive list but typical of the sailor's colourful language.
We are happy to add to the list if any visitors can contribute.
Ass bandit - homosexual
Banyan - usually a beach bbq ashore
Barrack Stanchion - a rating who manages to avoid sea postings
Beefer - homosexual
Belay - cancel
Bible Bosun - Naval Chaplain
Bubbly - Clearance Diver
Bumfluff - wispy facial hair on young sailors who can't grow a beard
Bunghole - cheese
Buzz - rumour
Chooks - Punishment - extra work and stoppage of leave
Crusher - Naval patrolman. Naval police before the coxswain branch came into being - mongrels who were totally despised by all sailors
Cuff Rate - Navy shallow water diver
Dib Dab - a sailor of the Seaman category
Dit - story/yarn
Dhoby - wash/shower
Dhobying - washing clothes or washed clothes
Doggo - ugly
Dose - venereal disease
Double bum - Wran (female member of RAN)
Duff - dessert/pudding
Flag waver - comms rating specialising in 'Semaphore' and morse code using light
Farter - rack or bunk
Fart sack - as above
Gash - garbage
God Walloper - Naval chaplain
Goffa - soft drink
Greenies - electricians
Hatter - homosexual
Heads - toilets
Honkers - Hong Kong
Jimmy - 1st Lieutenant
Killick - Leading seaman
Kye - cocoa
LBFM - Philippino bargirl
Lid - sailor's cap
Limers - lemon/lime drink issued in tropics to ensure vitamin C intake
Maccas - confectionary
Matelot - Old nickname for sailor (pronounced mat-el-o)
Menzie's poofters - Navy term used for the Air Force
Nutty/Nutman - homosexual
Oggin - ocean
Out pipes - the order to return to work
Pay off - leave the Navy
Pigs - Sailor's term for Naval officers
Piggery - Wardroom/Officer's mess
Pipe - an order passed over the ship's broadcast system
Pipe Down - the piped order for messdeck lighting to be turned off - normally 2200
Piss strainers - cooked kidneys
Pit/Rack - bed/bunk
Pongo - term used for Australian Army personnel
Pox Doctor - Naval doctor
Pox doctor's clerk - someone who is useless ('as good as a')
Pussers - term used by sailors when referring to the Navy in general
Pusser's hard - Navy issue soap
Redders - tomato sauce
RN steak - cooked Liver
RN'ers - Worcestershire sauce
Scrambled eggs - the gold braid worn on the peak of a Flag officer's cap - Commodore and above
Scran - meal
Scranbag - an untidy person/where clothing left in the messdeck is stowed
Set - Beard
Shithawk - someone who collects and keeps everything
Shit in it - shut up
Shit it in - able to do it easy
Shit tin - rubbish bin
Short time - brief sex with a prostitute
Sickbay tiff - sick berth attendant
Sin Bosun - Naval Chaplain
Singas - Singapore
Stoker - engine room personnel
Sippers - sharing a drink with a mate - as in 'what about a'
Skin - a good looking female - can be a 'drop of skin' or just a 'good drop'
Skulking - hiding or going to sickbay to avoid work
Sky pilot - Naval padre
Sparker - communications rating
Spin a Dit - tell a story/yarn
Splice the mainbrace -
a free beer issue on special occasions - very rare
Split ass - Wran
Squarie - girlfriend
Subby - Sub Lieutenant
Swattie - term used for Australian Army personnel
Tally band - the band a sailor wears on his cap bearing the name of his ship
Tiddly - shipshape/in good order
Tid suit - best dress uniform, tailor made, but not quite to navy regs
Tiffy - engine room artificer
90 day wonder - a qualified tradesman who after completing 90 days recruit training is made a Petty Officer artificer
Train smash - tomato au gratin
Two ringer - Lieutenant
Two & a half - Lieutenant Commander
Tucker f..cker- Navy cook
Three ringer - Commander
Four ringer - Captain
Tubs - to have a shower
Up Top - South east Asia
Waffle iron - as in 'ironed clothes with a' when it is obviously not ironed at all
Warries - tall stories, usually highly embellished yarns of past service - 'spin a warrie'
The 'Warrie' Triangle: removal of any one of these three and it is no longer a 'warrie'.
"ORIGINAL STORY"
"BULLSHIT" "ALCOHOL"
_____________________
A retired Navy Chief and his wife were sitting in the lounge room watching TV when he said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out his beer.
__________________________
A retired Navy Chief and a retired Army Warrant Officer were sitting at their local RSL Club practicing old rivalries and one-up-manship.
"I did 30 years in the Army " declared the soldier proudly. "I fought in three wars for this country" he continued.
"Straight out of recruit training I was sent to the Kokoda Track and clawed my way through the blood soaked jungle until the Japanese eventually retreated. Then as a Sergeant, I fought in Korea. We held our ground with the line moving back and forth inch by bloody inch. We were continually under a heavy barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Warrant Officer, I did three tours in Vietnam. We humped and sweated through the mud and razor sharp grass for 14 hours a day plagued by heat, rain and mosquitos. We constantly ducked VC sniper fire by day and mortar fire by night. When we engaged with the VC, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty."
"Ah," said the Chief, as he pondered all this for a moment.
Then with a dismissive wave of his hand added, "All shore time eh?"
_____________________________
An Australian Navy Diver was attending some university courses between deployments. He had completed tours in Timor, and just returned from Iraq. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Navy Diver got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Diver went back to his seat
and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Diver and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Diver calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting Australia's Defence people who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an arsehole, so He sent me."
_________________________
Minister of Religion was seated next to a Chief Petty Officer Clearance Diver on a flight to Sydney.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Chief asked for a cold beer, which was brought and placed before
him.
The flight attendant then asked the Minister if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let
alcohol touch my lips."
The Chief CD immediately handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me too. I
didn't know we had a choice."
___________________
Pope John Paul dies of old age and goes to heaven at 0300hrs. He knocks on the gate, and a very sleepy-eyed Jack Tar opens the gate and asks, "Whaddya want?"
"I'm the recently deceased Pope and have done 63 years of Godly works, and thought I should check in here." The sailor checks his clipboard and says, " There's no posting orders for you here, just bring your stuff and we'll sort this out in the morning. "They go to an old WW11 barracks, 3rd floor open bay. All the bottom bunks are taken and all the empty lockers have no doors. The Pope stows his gear under a rack and climbs into an upper bunk.
The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a fancy E-Type Jaguar parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloudwalks are lined with Saints and Angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat sits a CPOCD, his medals glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, stubbie of Vic Bitter in one hand and his arm around a voluptuous blonde angel with magnificent halos.
This upsets the Pope no end and he runs downstairs to the receptionist and says, "Hey what gives? You put me, the Pope, with 63 years of Godly deeds, in an open bay barracks, while this CPOCD who must've committed every
sin known and unknown to man is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be?"
The receptionist calmly looks up and says, "We get a Pope up here every 20 or 30 years, but we've never had a Chief Diver before."
___________________
"THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE NAVY"
A Seaman saying, “I learned this at Recruit School......”
A Petty Officer saying, “Trust me Sir...........”
A Sub Lieutenant saying, “Based on my experience......”
A Lieutenant saying, “I was just thinking........”
A Chief chuckling, “Watch this shit.......”
____________________
A crusty old Admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, “Come right in, Admiral. You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!”
The Admiral looked through the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, “Just one thing, sonny. Hope there are no bloody Chief Petty Officer Clearance Divers here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human being ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place.”
“Don't worry, Admiral,” said Saint Peter. “No Chief CD has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here.”
With that the Admiral enters into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in full No 1's, chest full of medals, cap cocked slightly on his head, an almost empty bottle of Bundy OP in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm. Incensed, the Admiral rushed back to Saint Peter and bails him up “Hey! You said there were no Chief Bubblies here! So what the hell is THAT????”
“Don't worry, Admiral,” says Saint Peter gently,
“That's GOD. He just THINKS he's a Chief Diver.”
____________________
The Navy found they had too many men of all ranks and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised anyone who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
Those accepting the offer got to choose what those two points would be.
The Lt/Cdr who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with $72,000.
The Admiral who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.
The third was a grizzled old Chief Petty Officer Clearance Diver who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my old fella to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, provided the measurement was taken by a medical doctor.
The Doctor arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em", which he did.
The Doctor placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's thingy and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The Chief replied, “Vietnam”.
---------------------------------------------
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief Diver to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
-------------------------------------------
A young RAN Clearance Diver boarded an airplane in the US and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip, or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait".
"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best".
"I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck..."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.... "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the young CD said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."
--------------------------------------
A crusty old Chief Petty Officer Clearance Diver found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for some conversation.
She said, "Excuse me Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Chief replied, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said, "It looks like you've seen quite a lot of action." The Chief's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,"You know, you should just lighten up a little.Relax and enjoy yourself..." The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex ?"
The Chief looked at her and curtly replied, "1955, ma'am."
She gasped, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955. Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Do you think so? It's only 2130 now..."
___________________________
A young Aussie Clearance Diver paid off and moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Not really, but I reckon I can handle it."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The ex Diver said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people make an average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£101,237.64."
The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him a Toyota Land Cruiser".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said......... Well, since your weekend's already rooted, you might as well go fishing."
______________________________
While interviewing an anonymous Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of al Qaeda in Afghanistan.
The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
__________________________
Admiral Lord Nelson in today's Navy
On the deck of the HMS Appeasement
Order the signal Hardy.
Aye aye sir.
Hold on, that is not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What is the meaning of this?
Sorry sir.
England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Goddammit Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry sir. All Naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
In that case break open the rum ration. Let us “Splice the Mainbrace” to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration is abolished Admiral. It's part of the government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water.
Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the Crow's Nest please.
That won't be possible sir.
What?
Health & Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses. And they say that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay.
He's busy knocking up a wheel-chair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.
Wheel-chair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health & Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.
Actually you did sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems here too, sir. Health & safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt. Have you not seen the advert sir?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit afraid of shooting anyone Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we expected to sink the French and Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No sir. The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fishery Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the diversity co-ordinator here you say that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar Vest Admiral, it's the rules.
Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to Rum, Sodomy and the Lash?
As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment.
What about sodomy?
I believe it's to be encouraged, sir.
In that case, kiss me Hardy.
________________________________
Thinking about leaving the Military??
This is the first step to recovery:-
Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred. It is not "zero five three zero" or "fourteen hundred" it is "five thirty" or "two o'clock". Words like deck, farter, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it. "F*ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um". Grunting is not
talking. It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not follow a set procedure and do not end in "out". People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you deployed to the MEAO.
Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
Do not iron your collar flat.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
Women:
Not all women like to take orders and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like one of your sailors. Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it
is your first. Marrying a girl so that you can move off base does not make "financial sense", it makes you a dickhead.
Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do push-ups will not make you good at your job. Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die. How much pain you can take is not a
personal accomplishment. The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good on ya mate". That time you drank a full slab of beer and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter. That time you went to the
combat survival school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.
Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional". The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it
smelled. You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is. VD will also not be funny.
The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem,it's true.
Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills. Buying a $60,000 car on a $35,000 a year salary is a really bad idea. Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a mug. One day you will need health insurance.
Interacting with civilians:
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
Real jobs:
They really can fire you. On the flip side you really can quit. Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too. Taking naps at work will not be acceptable. Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800.
The Law:
Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison. Your workplace, unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested. Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the Prime Minister in public. Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain. They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
And Lastly....
Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.
____________________
